The Way You Make Me Feel

Ken

I am a jerk. I always have been. I don't deserve anything I get in life, I don't earn them, neither do I do anything to get them. Maybe I don't deserve being the person that I am now. I'm sure all of you would agree with me on that.

It really hurts knowing that you've been a jerk so bad till the closest person to you cannot trust you 100% with what you say or do, and that your so called friends will always think that you're nothing but just someone which doesn't get what he gives. Yeah, that's me.

I often wonder do I deserve the constant inability to sleep well, the sudden rush of thoughts to the head, and the constant thoughts that keep popping up in my head every now and then, and yeah, I guess all of you would agree that I do deserve much worse than that. Coz' yeah, I agree with you all too.

Well, it's bad enough the people you love find it hard to trust you as well as look at you differently when they see you based on each thing you do. But to add the fact that your life is an entire last minute plan out, just kind of makes it that much harder to please anyone and everyone.

I understand if you do not want to talk to me again, coz' yeah, I haven't been that much of a friend when you needed me to be. I'm sorry. I guess I just neglected my responsibility as a friend knowing what my other priorities were. I'm sorry for that.

I know I haven't been the nicest person I could be lately, and that I have been nothing but a jerk, but I'd hope you people would understand and contemplate my reasons for acting in such a manner.

Unfortunately, it seems like hoping for something like that wasn't really the right thing to do.

I'm pretty sure Mao's extremely pissed at me now, that Ho and Lai aren't exactly too happy with me either, that Zhi Wei is pretty mad at be for sandbag-ing him last time, that my ex-school mates prolly wished I be less of a snob as well as that much less of a jerk, and also that baby prolly thinks that I ain't that much of your sensible and lovable guy anymore and much more of a jerk instead of being a trusted and caring boyfriend in which you'd hope I be.

I understand and I'm able to comprehend why you people feel this way about me, and it is my own fault for putting myself into such a predicament. I'm sorry for making you people feel this way, and I'm even more sorry that it is only up till now that I have to come and apologize to all of you.

This post isn't to ask for your pity and sympathy towards the predicament I am in now, neither is it a must for you to even respond to it. Coz' honestly, I don't deserve the effort and time you people put in for me and despite being the jerk that I am, I never hold grudges, and I understand that I even with this, it wouldn't change anything that's been happening at the moment.

Sometimes in life when things are against you, it really is. I need a getaway. I think it's best that I stay away for the moment.

I didn't sleep well last night, to add to the account I only slept at 5am and woke up 7am after having 2 very weird dreams, again, and apart from momentarily slumber which I accidentally gave in to at midnight. I just didn't feel right that I just sat there and ponder upon my thoughts and not letting you all know about it, thus resulted in me typing this post on my phone last night.

If you didn't read it, it doesn't really matter anyway, coz' hey, why would you wanna listen to a jerk rambling about his life right. Hmm.



*Same old brand new you.