Ken

"And nothing's greater than the race that comes with your embrace,

And in this world of loneliness I see your face".

Ken

Being the center of attention used to be fun, it used to feel nice, I used to embrace it, and deal with everything and everyone who was around me.

But as time goes by, you realize, it really isn't about the attention you seek that matters, it's about who you want to get attention from, or something like that.

I've learnt to not steal the spotlight, and instead, remain humble and low, coz' it's never about making people know who you are, it's about who you want to know who you are.

I'm not really the person that likes to spend a lot of time with people I'm not really close to, in fact I seldom spend time with them unless I have to, coz' I'd prefer to spend time with people that I want to spend time with, whom are the people I love and cherish.

I guess popularity was just a phase in life everyone has to get over with, and realize it's who you want to remember you in life. =)

And yesh, just in case some of you don't know, I've broken off with Samantha, technically like some 3months ago, or since that Valentine's Day incident.

Well, apparently I've not been a good boyfriend, and that I'm not good enough in some ways.

Yeah yeah, of all people, she's the only one who actually got to know me in more detail compared to everyone else I've known in high school, with exception of course to my ex.

So I guess knowing where I stand, some of you would have probably think that she's at fault for the relationship, but seriously, don't blame her for it.

I mean, if I've been said to not have been a good boyfriend, then maybe I wasn't a good enough boyfriend, but I guess nobody is perfect, and everybody has their flaws, so oh well.

To what extent I've not been a good enough boyfriend remains somewhat unknown to me, I mean, I've done what I could and I gave her the freedom in actually making the decisions and everything else.

I guess 5months of giving, and conceding and sacrifice would ultimately lead to nothing. Well, I only had myself to blame, and I'm sorry to whoever I talked to about it, coz' I'm sorry that I wasted your time after you people had been trying to tell me, but I didn't listen.

And a shoutout to Mao, who actually tried whatever he could do to help out, but in the end, I guess she just wasn't meant for me. Sorry for wasting your time on MSN and those nights when we go yc.

So I guess I was rather the fool to have been giving so much and expecting that little bit, but it wouldn't come. I mean, seriously, after like 3months, when your partner hasn't come out with a single penny, and then when you go out, and your partner's left with like 50bucks, yet you still don't wanna help out on the bill which let's say is around close to 50bucks, pretty much tells you what happens every time we go out.

Yeah, the sacrifices I make, I mean, knowing she has financial probs, I never made a sound. But I guess just the littlest of things that you hope for sometimes, never does come true.

Nevermind financially, I don't bother, coz' money isn't everything, I mean it's pretty typical that the guy pays for everything anyway.

So there were so many incidents other than that, so many that I couldn't actually list them all out if I wanted, right Mao?

But I shall not rant, or complain. Coz' maybe I do deserve that. I deserve that kind of treatment. I deserve to go through whatever that I went through for that period of time.

I mean wanting your partner to go and pick you up at 11pm at night from work to send you home, and then for him just to go back after sending you home is like more like troubling him rather than actually help out in communication right?

And yeah, actually I wouldn't have mind, just that I didn't had a car back then. But then in the manner in which she asked, my answer was never going to be a yes. I mean just because the people you work with knew that I was a guy with a car, and was your boyfriend, meaning that all they had to do was just tell you "why doesn't your boyfriend pick you up?" meaning I have to go all the way there to send you home, with the only intention to show them that you actually have a boyfriend with a car.

Okay, that's just one small incident. Pfft.

But then, the Valentine's Day incident really was the one which actually made me realize that whatever I've done, everything was just to satisfy your needs as to "having a boyfriend".

I mean if surprising your partner at work is considered to be a bad thing, and something which is considered in some way awkward, I guess that tells you everything right? What more surprising her during Valentine's?

Yeah, and that when having the day off, trying to even get your partner to spend 10minutes with you is strictly impossible, is kinda like harsh isn't it? Yeah, I get that from week to week. I mean if taking a day-off to spend time with someone you care about is impossible, then what more could you expect of that person.

Oh well, life is fair at the end of the day, for everything happens for a reason.

I've not regretted anything for the past 6months, but I've not really enjoyed myself at the same time. It was a real roller coaster moment the past year, and I guess I've finally got a grip of myself after knowing that I'm not alone.

There's so much I would've wanted to say, but then it wouldn't be fair if you just heard one side of the story right?

Every little detail and every little thing you do or didn't do, was oh so important in helping me judge you. I guess the part which really gave me a set back was the time where I wasn't feeling well, and was in the room whereas instead of you coming to check up on me, some guy I only knew for one day was there to help me. And you were in the living room, knowing that I wasn't feeling well, you sat there chatting away with people whom you would only see for two days of your entire life.

There's more, definitely more, but I guess it wouldn't be nice of me to tell the world ain't it?

Yeah, so that's how not good a boyfriend I am, in so many ways.

I don't listen, I don't talk, I don't do anything, according to why we broke up, but I guess you ignored all the little details and all the little things I did for you.

You told me, to enjoy what we have now, the present, and then we'll work on the future. But when the time comes, you ignored whatever problem that's at hand and you yet again, tried to shove this on me by claiming what if I go overseas to study, and that there isn't a point to continue since I'm moving. Sad to say that what you said in the latter pretty much contradicts what you said earlier.

And in case you're reading, I'm still not sure to what I'm doing, but I guess it's either gonna be a twinning program or a half-year break before deciding. So yeah, if you wanna find a better excuse, please use the "I've found someone else" excuse, coz it wouldn't actually put you into a point where your level of maturity would be undermined.

I know you have your problems with life, but then, to use that as an excuse is simply not viable, seriously.

And knowing that you're committed in a relationship, your main priority is definitely the relationship and your partner. So what if you say there are guys chasing after you? Would that have mattered? You're in a relationship coz' you care and love that someone, not because you choose to be for the sake of having a boyfriend. And the fact that you've been rejecting them wouldn't have mattered coz' you are in a relationship, so if you're telling me that you're sad coz' of rejecting them, then by all means go ahead and be in a relationship with them.

Yet again, goes to show my point in maturity that I stated earlier. If you can't realize that, then I'm sorry, you're still naive and young.

Sighs, I wish things were different, I thought you were different, but I guess I was wrong. I guess when I broke off with my ex, it lead me to think everyone was like her, as to thinking you were like her, but how was I ever so wrong into thinking so.

No matter, I'm happy with my life now. Everything is fine, everything is going well. =)

I guess I'd better stop now before I get all emo again.

Sorry to everyone who's time I wasted on this issue. And thanks to everyone who has helped me out, especially lately with the whole car bang incident and other issues which actually causes me more grief than this one.

I really appreciate it. Hehe. =)



*Since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time.

Ken

I stare myself in the mirror. I reflect on my life, and how it's taken a 360degree turn from last year, from 4years back.

It's weird how things can change so fast, and how people can change when the least you expect them too.

Everyone's drifting apart, some still stay, but some leave the circle. Oh well, I guess not everything is meant to last forever.

"If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away?"

Everyone is different now, me, you, him, her, them. We're all different. We've all changed. Have we not?

Maybe it's time for a change. To leave everything behind and to start over, to look at things from a different perspective.

And maybe, just maybe, this change could be the biggest difference in life. (:



*Higher than mountain, deeper than sea.

Ken

I had the strangest dream when I was napping just now. I dreamt college was at Bandar Tun Razak. I dreamt I was stoning in college (okay, maybe this is what I do). I dreamt that I had a bicycle. I dreamt that me and Ho took the bicycle for a spin in the highway and we kept crashing and getting bruises but still laughed about it.

I dreamt we met Zhi Wei on the highway. Yes people, Tan Zhi Wei aka Man Ray, on the highway, wtf rite. Don't ask me why, coz' I myself want to know. Then, we ended up back in college having skipped like 3-4 lessons, and then everyone was puzzled by us returning with cuts and bruises, but yet, we were still laughing. Pfft. The end.



*AM to PM

Could It Be?

I find myself in this predicament again.

Funny isn't it?

I guess the only thing possible of knowing that what has happened over these past few days is that everything happens for a reason.

I guess things has always been this way, and will never change.

Despite that, I feel sorry for what's happened.

But I can't blame anyone, for it was foreseen that this would happen and of course, with a lil' spice of hypocricy, it's just funny how much you could see several diamonds at a time.

So, I'm stuck again in this circle.

Though I've not always thought it would stay this way for long, but I guess it's better this way.
Qwer.


==================================

Whatever

It's 4.15am now.

I'm practically the only one awake now, well except for Ryan whom I'm talking to now.
I feel stoned, lost, and sorta disfunctional in a way.

Rofl, I don't even know what I'm doing here.
Hmm, this is seriously stone.

Oh noes, I just remembered. I have to charge my i-Pod. Ish. How forgetful. 4am only can remember, wth wth.

Okays, I don't know what I'm doing, seriously.

So, I guess it's better that I...



Go watch tv now. kthxbai =P

No Idea

I'm clueless.

I'm lost.

Where do I stand?

What am I feeling?

Is everything all this while something, or as good as nothing?

Do you feel the same way?

Do you want what I want?

Do you see in me what I see in you?

Why is love so intricate?

Why am I asking this?

Sighs, I'm such a girl in relationships. T_T

NEONIE ! LOL.

@_@

=====================

How Long?

Am I wasting my time?
Is it worth it?
Am I who I think I am?

Sighs, can someone answer me?

===================

Fooled

I've been deceived, I've been cheated, I've been fooled.

Yes, the feelings I felt was just left unattended, unnoticed, uncared for.

But hey, that's life, sometimes you meet real nice people and sometimes you just meet plain bitchy manipulative people.

Guess it wasn't my luck when I bumped into you.

It sure did waste 3 months of my life.

And guess what, my English essay had to end with "Behind those good looks was the most evil person I have ever known !".

So, I decided to write about you. I guess that settles it, doesn't it?

I mean with that done, I shall leave this chapter of my life behind. Sure, you played me and my feelings, but I won't get back at you for I feel it is wrong to do so.

You made me do things I never do for other people, but I guess you never took the time to notice it. Or maybe you did, but you're just as ignorant and manipulative as you truly are.

Whatever it is, I shall not speak about it anymore. I have gone through enough of the Hell that you put me through. Thanks for nothing, and thank you for fooling me with your hoaxes and lies.


=====================================

Is It Me?

Well, I noticed that most of the people around me struggle in Add Maths.

Apparently, I too only manage to fork out some rather destitute marks for my Add Maths.

But it seems like they're trying ever so hard. You know, doing those exercises and all.

But me? I'm sitting here and I haven't touched any Add Maths work since the last exam.

Hmm, am I in trouble?

I've adjourned my studying process for tomorrow's paper since 2p.m. today. Ish.

I just feel like abdicating studies and education. Feel like just enjoying the simple things in life.

Omg, I'm such an indolent person. Somebody help me.



================================

The Reason

I should be studying right now, or should I say, I should have started studying by now.

But I haven't. Tsk tsk.

Something is wrong with me. Yet, I don't know the reason.

Oh gosh, what is wrong?



==========================

Intricacy

Life is such an intricate thing, isn't it?

Well, here are some of its complications. See whether you can figure them out. If you do know, do let me know, because I certainly for one am unable to comprehend the following questions due to my inadequate and destitute knowledge.


Why do dogs chase cats and cats chase mice? In this scenario, does any animal chase dogs?

Why do we have 10 fingers and not more or less than that?

Why do people create doors which can be pulled or pushed when the sign only says "Push"/"Pull"?

Can ants ever be extinct one day?

Why are painters/artists nowadays not earning the same recognition as those in the olden days?

Why is it so interesting to gossip about celebrities? Aren't they normal people too? Do people really have CWS ( Celebrity Worship Syndrome ) ?

Why are potato chips canned straight up and not flat down across?

Why do we have fingernails?

Why are houses made like boxes instead of spheres or triangles?

Why do most boys like game toys while most girls like cooking and barbie dolls?

Why don't human have tails?

Does magic really do exist?

Are we born stupid or are we all the same?

Why are olden proverbs turned into books and proverbs you and I create are never going to be used by everyone else?

Why are Shakespear's poems so fascinating and mine are not?

Why are guys the ones who have to send flowers to girls and not vice versa?

Why are guys the ones who pay for dinner and girls don't?

Why are colours more interesting than black and white?

Why do we sleep lying down and not standing like a vampire in coffins?

Why do we have eyebrows?



Alright, that's all for this. I'll post more in the next post or something if I can think of any more.


=========================

Lost

I'm feeling lost right now. I don't know what to do.

My trials are next week. Yes, next week !

And my mentality is like "I've still got time".

I mean like 2years of studies to be cramped up into some what, 5days of revision? Possible?

Doubt it too. Sigh, what is wrong with me?

I don't feel worried. Yet, I don't know why. Who am I? How could I have come to this?

Sighs, it seems like yesterday when there were still 28days till trials and I was like so semangat-ed that I packed all my stuff in my room.

Now, it's a mess again. My heart is lost, my mind is lost.


" I built it up to watch it fall, like it meant nothing at all... "


Am I wrong to feel this way? If so, what should I feel?

Can someone tell me?

Ish, I'm suffering at the same time but I haven't started studying yet. What is wrong?

Guess I have been to caught up with my feelings maybe, but I myself am not sure.

And yeah, "sorry" for whining about this, and all my previous stuff. I know some of you would be thinking that I should be thankful for all that's happened for not many people has gone through what I did, but heck, I don't care.

It's my feelings, so if I whine, and you don't like it, don't listen to it then.

Alrite, guess that's about it.


"Tell me if it's worth saving me".

31 !

Oh great, it's the 31st of July, last day of yet another wasted month.

Oh well, trials are coming up in a week, think I'm gonna flunk it.

But hopefully I'll score well again with the help of my good luck charm.

Sheesh, I'm so gonna get screwed once the marks and grades return. Hoho. =/

Nevermind, at least today's 31st. That means Baskin Robbins here I come. Woots. =D

Projects !

Omg, I just realized that I am a freakin' lazy person and a very very professional procrastinator.

Ish...

I was given my moral project bout' what, 2weeks ago? As in the deadline to pass it up.

And yes, tomorrow is the deadline and I haven't done anything. Yes, mark my words, anything!!!

Sighs. And yeah, I still have my add maths project to do. WHICH IS ALSO DUE TOMORROW!

Hohoho.... I've got 24hours to type, print, write, take photos, either print photos or wash them, compile everything, find proper paper to write on, and bind the projects. Yes, 24hours, and I haven't got a clue on how to do some parts of my project.

Guess I'm destined to fail SPM. Lalala...

Wei Yi

Omfg ! I'm addicted to Wei Yi ! Yes, that song from Lee Hom !

Ish ish, help me ! Omg. Listening to it day and night man. Damn chi sin, my play count thus far on my iPod is 72times ! Zzzz...

And yeah, I can sing the damn song despite being a banana...Rather fluent fyi ! Lalala...

Oh gosh, can't get it to stop. But I don't understand a single damn word he says. Hahaha. Funny eh? =P

SundaY

Can anyone heal my broken heart? Erhem erhem...


Anyways, back to the daY...SundaY...Well, I woke up at 11am then headed over to the club. Really really pei I was. Then after, I went to Sheryl's for a while, coz she gonna teman me go Sunway to get myself a haircut. And when I reached there, guess what? I left my o2 phone at the club. Huhu T_T






Just an off-topic pic, my kangaroo and Monti in the small background there. Hehe...^^



Anyways, thanks Sheryl for washing my hair for me. Well, I mean you had to make up for the time you made me wait for you to get ready. Hehe. And your house damn nice, honestly. =)




So, I went back to the club to get my phone back later at about 3pm. So, then I decided to take some pics since I was alone.


To my left...




To my right...There are a few people there, but I don't know them, so I was alone la basically...Lalala...



Usually I won't be alone wan lor, but now since I'm single again...Sighs, what to do...Get stoned lor...Rofl...



And then I decided to take a pic of my shoe...Weird huh =P



Was listening to...Guess urself...Hehe ^^



Somehow I like this pic, has this cooL effect about the lightings I guess...So that was my sunday...

eMo I Shall No More

I've been emo as of late, rarely found time for my old narcissistic self. Neither have I found time to give myself space to move, as well as room to breathe.

But now, I've realized that there's no point being emo and sad bout' the past, and start to move on. I will still feel you in my heart, but I know that you and I aren't meant to be.

"Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you, and someday we'll know that I was the one for you..."

Anyways, before I continue, the last 2days have been a heck of an emo period for me, and despite that, I'm feeling glad, coz' I found out there are people whom really do care about me after all. So, I'd like to thank the people whom were there for me for the past 2days.

So, thanks Elaine, for making me realize that love is blind and that I was feeling the wrong thing, and thanks Samantha, for your ever so caring sms-es everyday that tells me I shouldn't be this way and that I should just put my feelings to the past now, and thanks Jon and David, for stoning with me for the past 2days as well as consulting me bout' my feelings, and thanks Ivy for msging me despite our kinda distant friendship, and thanks Sheryl for teman-ing me today to get my hair cut as well as washing my hair for me, and last but not least, I would like to thank this person, for he has made me come to my senses and realize that if someone really does like a person, that feeling should be shown, and if that is not what happens, it's time to put it in the past and forget about it, yes you...Tay Jun Lin ! Thank you...You've made me realize that SPM is important and that relationships should be put second.

So, thank you people for sms-ing me, despite me not replying sometimes, I mean the thought that you guys and gals msged me to just see how I'm doing is always on my mind. Thanks again. =) And yeah, if I didn't mention you in the above, it doesn't mean you mean nothing to me, just that you didn't bother to care bout' me in the last 2days bout' my emo period. No hard feelings aite?



Okay, so back to the post. I've learnt this from someone mentioned above, "You have friends, they're always there, just that you never took the time to see it. But when the time comes, they will be there. And there are more people out there who really cares for you, just that they're too shy to show it".

I guess you know who you are. Anyways, thanks for telling me that. <3

And yeah, back to the main point of this post. I've realized that being sad and emo, as well as too hoping for someone and some people is just not Justin Low. I know that it'll take time to get over it till I become myself again, but I feel that I shouldn't continue being emo for things not worth for. I used to think that Amber, you were the one. But if we weren't meant to be, so I guess it was fated that way. My words may sound harsh baybe, and I'm sorry, but I've gotta move on for my own sake.

Sighs, it's just so hard to let go, but then again, when you found out the truth, it just ain't worth hurting for, especially feelings. I know now that I've wasted 2months being emo, and that my life's a complete mess and that there isn't anything else worth doing except talking about it and feel it. Sighs, I wish this stone-ness wouldn't end, coz' I like feeling stoned, but I hate being emo. =/

Complicated eh? I myself ain't sure what I'm feeling now.

At times, someone may mean the world to me, but at times, that person could be the last person I would ever wanna see or talk to. The world is a blissful place I have come to know. High school has been great, especially being in one of the best ones and being amongst the great and erhem erhem popular people for the past 4years. Perasan...Ish... =P

Yeah, I know that I'll lose touch with lotsa people when I'm in college, but then too I'll meet more people, and maybe someone who's really meant for me, as Tay said. Yeah, I will be sorry for losing touch with many of you people, and I'll surely miss it, but I'm really sorry for the fact if we aren't that close, or you're just sticking around me to just gain some attention or some sorta shit la.

Hopefully, I'll be able to survive coz' I'm gonna move to Sg. Buloh, but I mean, true friends would walk a thousand miles to see you and an asshole/bitch would tell you they'd walk a thousand miles but they'll never do that. I've been deceived by a lot of words lately. Especially during my emo period, but now I've realized that words mean nothing when you don't mean it. And woah...When someone contradicts what they say with actions hor...It makes it even more fake. I mean one day talk to me, the next day dunno me like that. Geng man the people in my life.

But I don't care, I mean it's not like you people are gonna be in my life any longer. Anyways, I'm really starting to feel much better. As like a fresh brand new start, a brand new me. And if one can play ignorant, so can I. Rofl, somehow I find myself good in that game.

Over the past years, my ignorance towards others has caused me to lose like let's say 10-11 friends? Or maybe more, lost count really. Ignorance as they say, is bliss. So, I shall trust those words to see where it takes me. Life is short, embrace it the best you can. Coz' people who enjoy the best in life don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything that comes along their way. So, I guess I shall make the best of what's left now.

I shouldn't be sad over things that aren't worth being sad. If people dun wanna care, so what? If people dun wanna tell me that they care, so what? If people dun really care but they act as though they care, so what? I'm moving on, and one day, I'm gonna look back at this and laugh at how childish I've been and tell my baybe then and maybe my children bout' this and we would all see what a weird person I was back then.

Never underestimate the power of words, they'll break your heart. Emotions are meant to be shown, not kept in the heart. Friendship is based on trust and care, not acting and stick-ifying yourself to someone that you would never treat as a real friend. Lies and deception are part of life, but don't let it bring you down.

Being emo is pointless, especially when you know that you're emo-ing over people who ain't gonna care for you. Never expect too much from gals, they'll kill you. =P Just some conclusions I've come to find out.

Anyways, I think this has gone far enough. It's now 9.15pm, I gotta start packing my stuff and rearranging my books. Oh yea, gotta post some stuff later on too...Anyhow, I'm moving on...

Quoted from The Mask, " Somebody stop me....!! " Blueks =P

===========End=============

Friday the 6th

Well, firstly I went to school in the mornings then wrote a couple of poems to fill in my time in the ava room. Lalala... Thank me david, I wanna hear it again. Haha.

Anyways, then had this stupid morning rehearsal which basically pissed me off a lot, coz' we were like standing in the sun for so damn long. But nvms, so I just beared with it then till recess when I was listening to my ipod then came a few other prefects telling me not to listen, and okay la, that was it.

I couldn't just have that moment of peace for myself, so nvm, wanted to go to the roof there again to chill out and clear my mind, then had to discuss with Bernard bout' his birthday thingy. After some babbling, I went to the roof for bout 45minutes there with few others, sighs, disturbing really.

No offence la, but I just wanted to be alone la. Coz' nobody else shares what I'm going through, so no point you go there with me. Sighs, really difficult to find myself out of this shit.
So, I had a talk with tay to ask him how to get rid of all my problems la. Well, the advice may not be that bad, but it'll certainly be like a very drastic change to me.

He advised me to limit myself to online about 2-3hours a day, and to clear all my stuff and arrange them in order. But the most of all he said, dun ever talk to gals! Woo...Rofl, he said they'll manipulate your feelings and stuff like that. And that they'll cause a distraction and make you feel even more lost.

I dunno what I should do, but I know I need to score well in my trials. Sighs, if tay is right, then I'm sorry to myself and everyone else about me for what I'm about to do. My ignorance and the distant-relation to the people I'm close with may hurt you, but it'll certainly hurt me a lot more. Tay, I heed your advice and I shall accept it. I shall not msg continuously or call for any longer than 5 minutes from now. Your guidance and your teachings are very much what I need right now for me to be pure like you. Ngek ngek.

Sighs, anyways, back to the story of friday the 6th, after that we went to mcD after sch to just chill out la. Me and jon had our emo session again, and he claims that I should forget about the people around me. Be true to myself, and that ignore the people whom cares for nth wor. I also dunno...Updates on bernard's weird birthday later on...ciaoz..

School ?

Okay, so was at school today...Well not really la to be exact, I spent most of my time outside class at the above spot. It's really fun you know, to be alone there, where nobody sees you and like you get to enjoy listening to songs on your iPod. =D





And this is me, sitting there stoning for bout' an hour or so.



To my left....



To my right...
Lalala...Goo Goo Dolls' Iris really rocks my world..Well, as in it just..Arrgh...You get the point...




And this is what happens in moral class. Budak - budak bermoral of course taking pictures of teacher and the tidak bermoral students. Wakaka....



And this is where I sit on the floor in class to avoid teacher seeing me listen to songs and catch me to read the text book etc etc...haha...



Me, unwinding myself...Relaxing...Whatever..



Meet my floor buddy, Ho Khoon Yoong ! Wee...



And then, the other students thought it was cool, so they sat on the floor too....Hahaha...



Sorry I din rotate the picture, but anyways, the brains at work...



And this is me, snapping a picture of est teacher while she scolds Suren..Lalala...



I just don't know what's school now...This is what I do everyday...Go to my hideout, stone while listening to my iPod, lepak on the floor, make excuses to get out of class to chill at the roof or something, and yeah, last but not least, drown myself with empty thoughts.

Sighs...Can someone tell me what's wrong with me?