What's Left of Me Now. . .

READ THIS BEFORE YOU START READING :

Okay, if you wanna read this post, make sure you read till the end, coz' the emotions and mood may differ at certain times in the post, so if you don't plan on reading this till the end, then don't, aite?


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Life can be compared as to riding a rollercoaster ride, and at times as a bumpy road, there's its high points and low points. Currently, I'm at one of the lowest points I've ever been in my life. I've never felt this depressed, lost and helpless than how I am feeling right now. The world is like an ignorant land which seems foreign to me at the moment. Every step that I take, has taken me further and further away from my friends, society and the people whom I care about. Sighs, although this may just be caused by one person alone, but sometimes all it takes is one person to screw someone's life up and tear it apart.

Considering what I'm goin' through now, I've been thinking quite deeply, "What have I done to deserve this? Life is based on karma, what goes around comes around. You do good things, and good things will happen to you, " . I know, I know, you might say that maybe I haven't been doing good things in life or maybe I've been a jerk as of late, but come on, I realize my mistakes and I work hard to rectify them. Especially my relationship with my friends, coz' ever since I spent too much time with her, I know that I've lost touch with many of my friends, and I mean many.

I've known Amber since form2, yes, form 2~! Sighs, but after knowing her for 4years, I've never thought that I would be so lost without her presence. The times she would call, message, and the nights we spent together staying up late watching movies and playing games with her sister as well. Sighs, those times are now gone, and I miss them so so badly. Nevermind that, back to the point, 4years I've known her and when I first met her, who knew that I stood a chance in going out on dates with her. I thought she was just like any other pretty gal, whom at times can be bitchy and at times can be so amiable and lovely. But boy was I wrong.

I never knew that she was as timid as a rabbit, as shy as a swallow. Who ever knew someone so cute would not be so bitchy as well as hates to flirt around. Okay, okay, too much detail here. I don't even know if "as shy as a swallow" exists or not but that's the only thing I can think of. Anyways, I've never felt happier knowing her, she made me feel so comfortable just talking to her and letting her know about my life, vice versa too. I didn't dare ask her as I feared rejection, yes, really. I mean, sometimes in life, why can't we just know what's going on in people's mind. Sighs, it makes things so difficult and I guess I was in luck that she liked me back too.

I teased her a lot on the whole gf-bf thingy, and I guess, one day she finally realized that I was totally hitting on her. Despite jeopardizing our friendship as most of the time after rejection, girl would avoid boy, boy feels sad, and eventually girl won't talk to boy anymore. Sigh, the akwardness of the situation. After dropping quite a number of hints, she finally asked me whether I liked her liked her and my reply was a yes, without a doubt. She didn't know what to say at first, but then after she also said she felt the same way and asked me bout the whole bf-gf thingy and my answer to her was a rather funny one, but hey, it was good, hehe.
I replied her with lyrics from Aaron Carter-Do You Remember. I used the chorus to reply her.

It was really a heart-wrenching moment, I wasn't sure myself if I was ready to commit myself into a relationship as my studies were slacking off, and yes, I thank you Jonathan for that. But heck, what's life without taking chances. So, from there, we built our lovey dovey world of our own. It started out kinda difficult, but after a while things were goin' okay. I never really seized certain moments which needed me to, like her sister's birthday, the home-warming of "our home", and a few more. Despite that, I'd call her to talk her about my day and she'd call me to talk to me on hers, but usually she'll do the calling on a count that she's freakin loaded with cash, hehe.

It was then that life seemed well, although we don't talk much during weekdays, but sometimes we spend the time together during weekends and cook porridge late at night. It was a rather open relationship, as we couldn't just confine ourselves in our own sweet world but we gotta give each other space as well. All this happened during the end of form2, erhem erhem, 22nd September to be exact. =)

Okay, I'm sure you're getting kinda bored about me and her, but heck, bear with me for just a little longer. Form 3 was a good year, me and Jon did some crazy stuff together. Heck, we were notorious, out of control, wooo! My relationship with Amber was also getting better, towards the middle of the year, we'd spend time at "our home" studying next to each other, and she was freakin' smart! Photographic memory some people call it, as she would be like reading one part a while and at the end of the day, she could remember it. Scary, but cool, mysterious, and very very the cutes. Hehe. That is also based on the fact that she doesn't study much, as when we're together we'd just sit there talk a while then watch tv or something.

As PMR was coming, I had to keep my mind focused. I seldom spent time with her towards the end of August. And as a caring and understanding person that she was, she knew what our priorities were as well. And after PMR, it was the sheer taste of freedom! During the holidays, I spent quite an ample amount of time at home, but as well at "our home". May it be night or day, my mind was all set on her. I wanted to know what she was doing, if she was thinking about me, gosh, I was driving myself nuts, and I couldn't wait to spend the night with her.

Form 4 life was basicly about the same, and it was then that I realize that we never really argued much as a couple, which in a way seems so nice, but at times, it occurs to me if is this too good to be true? But hey, I was just living for the moment, so I couldn't care less about what's gonna happen next. That was until this year, sighs. On February, she told me that she would be migrating to London. The news was rather all of a sudden, and I was friggin devastated. We avoided talking about it, as they say, "Ignorance is bliss,". But certainly, it proved not to be. She left almost a month ago. Despite staying back an extra 2weeks than her family, it just wasn't long enough, sad to say.

We tried to keep in touch as often as possible, but there seemed to be lots of things going against us, and that made life really difficult for the both of us. Sighs, to add to that, she wasn't such a computer person, so she would like only excess to her laptop or computer every 4-5days once, or sometimes she wouldn't even excess to it as the need wasn't there. Then, on the 10th of June, they say Sunday is a good day, and some say the best day of the week, but I would like to say it is the worst day of eternity. She replied an e-mail I sent to her, and boy, it made me cry, yes it did. I couldn't hold it in me, so tears just flowed out, though not that much, but the feeling inside was so devastating that it was more or less like a dagger through my heart.

With her absence, I'm like a lost sOuL wandering around the face of the Earth. And all I have carrying with me now are the memories of what used to be. Sighs, I've never thought that love would hurt so badly. Nevermind the break-up, during the process, I've lost touch with my friends. I don't know who am I now. I've lost my good friends in school, as in like I'm not close with them anymore, Kok Hong, Jon, David, Ho, Joe Keen, and a few others. Sighs, heck, I've lost my best friend as well when she left here.

I'm really like a pathetic fool just looking for somewhere to go and fit in now. I've lost my place among everybody. Even with Amber, sighs. And I'm really sorry that I've not replied nor answered some of you people's calls or sms'es. I'm just like really really not in the mood to do anything. Despite doing well this term in the exams, I couldn't care less about my grades at the moment. The only thing which makes me feel happy is listening to songs, but at the same time it makes me sad as well. But there are songs which I can't stand to listen now.

Some songs from Air Supply, Backstreet Boys, Michael Learns to Rock, Westlife and A1 are songs that I can't take at the moment. It just breaks my heart listening to them. Sighs, what am I to do with my life? This sense of loneliness is killing me bit by bit, day by day. Every step that I take now, sets me further from the people around me. It sets me apart from them, as well as my existence in their very lives. I may not be able to help myself out of this on my own, but heck, at the moment, it's the only choice I've got.

Coz' you know, it could be my fault that I've taken a path that widens the gap between my friends and I, but heck, if you're a good friend, you're someone I can count on. Someone I can trust, someone whom I can believe will stick with me till the very end, someone whom will never lie to me or let my secrets out, and someone that believes that I'm that person's friend for who I am, and not for the sake of other things ( I do mean this a lot ). Sadly, I can't really find anyone whom can do that for me, as in seriously. That's why I said, when I lost her, I lost my best friend as well.

Coz' nobody else seems to be there, nobody else seems to care, nobody else seems to really share my thoughts. Sighs, maybe I'm being paranoid or whatever, but I can't help but feel this way. It may be me, but ask yourself, did you really care or did you care for the sake of just caring? Sighs, hypocrites, they fill up my life so nicely that I'm left here pondering on whom I can trust in my time of need. Maybe I'm too used about the fact that someone's always gonna be caring for me, as she did, or maybe it's the fact that this is what seperates a gf from a friend, a friend from a best friend, a trustworthy friend from a friend, a good friend from an ordinary friend.

Sighs, I can't expect much from the people around me, as they always say they do care, but I'm used to the care and attention they give towards me. It's very warming, trust me. So warm that I think I could even be in Pluto and not feel the difference. But hey, don't care about me just because after reading this, it makes you feel sympathy for me, coz' I don't want more idiots and bitches to be in my life already. I've got more than what your fingers can count, so please, if you weren't that caring in the first place, I'm sorry to say that, you've not been a good friend of mine, sad to say.

I don't know whether it's me, or maybe that I've not been smart in dealing with the people around me, but one thing's for sure, my relationship with Amber, despite its good and its bad, has made me a better person in life. I wouldn't have understood some stuff in real life situations if it wasn't for her, the times we had, the memories, they made me, well me. Despite the times I had with my friends as well, nobody in the world could take her place and that's for sure. I don't know if there'll be someone out there, and please stop telling me "There are better people out there", "Surely there's someone else out there for you", and "There's still a million fish in the sea" kinda things coz' I can't really trust these words no more.

My friends are the people that I enjoy my time with, other people's friends are people whom will be there for you no matter what, the good or the bad times. Sadly, I don't have these friends, well at least not any more. Everybody's always too busy with something, be it personal problems or just the sincerity of it all. Relationship is built on trust, be it friendship or love. In trust, sincerity is the most important aspect and without it, you might as well just end the relationship coz' it's like living a lie or a hoax.

" The one thing I have come to love in my loneliness, is the soothing melody of the sweet song playing in calmness".

I've been lonely officially for 6days now, and I guess it'll beat my record of ever not being lonely. Just before you misunderstand, my definition of lonely is as in lonely lonely, not the gf-bf thingy. Just lonely in the sense of emptiness and ill-hearted~ness and the fact that I can't find someone whom I can trust. Sighs, life's really a mess now. I lost my will to excel in whatever I do, I lost my determination in doing anything, I lost my spirit in dealing with the situation in front of me, I've lost my sOuL.

I appreciate it very very very much if you have read this whole thing, coz' it basicly explains what I'm going through right now, take note, "basicly". If you did read till this far, you are a caring friend, coz' not many people would read the whole thing due to its length. As I mentioned, they're just too busy with their own lives. I don't know what to believe in now in life, my whole existence here seems worthless, coz' it wouldn't make a difference for me being in this world or being Justin Low. Maybe if I were some different person in some different place, I'd be much more appreciated and well, serve a better purpose.



I know that I've been a jerk lately,
But that doesn't mean that you could ignore me fully,
I never knew how much I'd miss you,
Only till the day that I somehow lost you,
Be it you're my friend or someone closer,
You'll always remain in my heart forever and ever,
I might just seem like a puppet to you,
But for a fact this puppet is someone true,
I'll be there for you until the very end,
Coz' you and I both know that I'm always gonna be your friend.


This poem is something I've thought of over the last 5minutes, and I dedicate this to everyone I know. Despite you ignoring me or not caring, I would still want you all to know this, that I as a friend, will always be there by your side and be there in your time of need. Sometimes, all it takes is just to ask, but I can guarantee you, I'll be there for you, and you know that I will.

I guess that's almost all that I can conjure up in this post. Thanks for reading if you did read, seriously. Good night people. And life is short, so enjoy it to the fullest aite. =)


Signing off,
+*+*+ NeOn +*+*+



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