The Way You Make Me Feel

Ken

Being the center of attention used to be fun, it used to feel nice, I used to embrace it, and deal with everything and everyone who was around me.

But as time goes by, you realize, it really isn't about the attention you seek that matters, it's about who you want to get attention from, or something like that.

I've learnt to not steal the spotlight, and instead, remain humble and low, coz' it's never about making people know who you are, it's about who you want to know who you are.

I'm not really the person that likes to spend a lot of time with people I'm not really close to, in fact I seldom spend time with them unless I have to, coz' I'd prefer to spend time with people that I want to spend time with, whom are the people I love and cherish.

I guess popularity was just a phase in life everyone has to get over with, and realize it's who you want to remember you in life. =)

And yesh, just in case some of you don't know, I've broken off with Samantha, technically like some 3months ago, or since that Valentine's Day incident.

Well, apparently I've not been a good boyfriend, and that I'm not good enough in some ways.

Yeah yeah, of all people, she's the only one who actually got to know me in more detail compared to everyone else I've known in high school, with exception of course to my ex.

So I guess knowing where I stand, some of you would have probably think that she's at fault for the relationship, but seriously, don't blame her for it.

I mean, if I've been said to not have been a good boyfriend, then maybe I wasn't a good enough boyfriend, but I guess nobody is perfect, and everybody has their flaws, so oh well.

To what extent I've not been a good enough boyfriend remains somewhat unknown to me, I mean, I've done what I could and I gave her the freedom in actually making the decisions and everything else.

I guess 5months of giving, and conceding and sacrifice would ultimately lead to nothing. Well, I only had myself to blame, and I'm sorry to whoever I talked to about it, coz' I'm sorry that I wasted your time after you people had been trying to tell me, but I didn't listen.

And a shoutout to Mao, who actually tried whatever he could do to help out, but in the end, I guess she just wasn't meant for me. Sorry for wasting your time on MSN and those nights when we go yc.

So I guess I was rather the fool to have been giving so much and expecting that little bit, but it wouldn't come. I mean, seriously, after like 3months, when your partner hasn't come out with a single penny, and then when you go out, and your partner's left with like 50bucks, yet you still don't wanna help out on the bill which let's say is around close to 50bucks, pretty much tells you what happens every time we go out.

Yeah, the sacrifices I make, I mean, knowing she has financial probs, I never made a sound. But I guess just the littlest of things that you hope for sometimes, never does come true.

Nevermind financially, I don't bother, coz' money isn't everything, I mean it's pretty typical that the guy pays for everything anyway.

So there were so many incidents other than that, so many that I couldn't actually list them all out if I wanted, right Mao?

But I shall not rant, or complain. Coz' maybe I do deserve that. I deserve that kind of treatment. I deserve to go through whatever that I went through for that period of time.

I mean wanting your partner to go and pick you up at 11pm at night from work to send you home, and then for him just to go back after sending you home is like more like troubling him rather than actually help out in communication right?

And yeah, actually I wouldn't have mind, just that I didn't had a car back then. But then in the manner in which she asked, my answer was never going to be a yes. I mean just because the people you work with knew that I was a guy with a car, and was your boyfriend, meaning that all they had to do was just tell you "why doesn't your boyfriend pick you up?" meaning I have to go all the way there to send you home, with the only intention to show them that you actually have a boyfriend with a car.

Okay, that's just one small incident. Pfft.

But then, the Valentine's Day incident really was the one which actually made me realize that whatever I've done, everything was just to satisfy your needs as to "having a boyfriend".

I mean if surprising your partner at work is considered to be a bad thing, and something which is considered in some way awkward, I guess that tells you everything right? What more surprising her during Valentine's?

Yeah, and that when having the day off, trying to even get your partner to spend 10minutes with you is strictly impossible, is kinda like harsh isn't it? Yeah, I get that from week to week. I mean if taking a day-off to spend time with someone you care about is impossible, then what more could you expect of that person.

Oh well, life is fair at the end of the day, for everything happens for a reason.

I've not regretted anything for the past 6months, but I've not really enjoyed myself at the same time. It was a real roller coaster moment the past year, and I guess I've finally got a grip of myself after knowing that I'm not alone.

There's so much I would've wanted to say, but then it wouldn't be fair if you just heard one side of the story right?

Every little detail and every little thing you do or didn't do, was oh so important in helping me judge you. I guess the part which really gave me a set back was the time where I wasn't feeling well, and was in the room whereas instead of you coming to check up on me, some guy I only knew for one day was there to help me. And you were in the living room, knowing that I wasn't feeling well, you sat there chatting away with people whom you would only see for two days of your entire life.

There's more, definitely more, but I guess it wouldn't be nice of me to tell the world ain't it?

Yeah, so that's how not good a boyfriend I am, in so many ways.

I don't listen, I don't talk, I don't do anything, according to why we broke up, but I guess you ignored all the little details and all the little things I did for you.

You told me, to enjoy what we have now, the present, and then we'll work on the future. But when the time comes, you ignored whatever problem that's at hand and you yet again, tried to shove this on me by claiming what if I go overseas to study, and that there isn't a point to continue since I'm moving. Sad to say that what you said in the latter pretty much contradicts what you said earlier.

And in case you're reading, I'm still not sure to what I'm doing, but I guess it's either gonna be a twinning program or a half-year break before deciding. So yeah, if you wanna find a better excuse, please use the "I've found someone else" excuse, coz it wouldn't actually put you into a point where your level of maturity would be undermined.

I know you have your problems with life, but then, to use that as an excuse is simply not viable, seriously.

And knowing that you're committed in a relationship, your main priority is definitely the relationship and your partner. So what if you say there are guys chasing after you? Would that have mattered? You're in a relationship coz' you care and love that someone, not because you choose to be for the sake of having a boyfriend. And the fact that you've been rejecting them wouldn't have mattered coz' you are in a relationship, so if you're telling me that you're sad coz' of rejecting them, then by all means go ahead and be in a relationship with them.

Yet again, goes to show my point in maturity that I stated earlier. If you can't realize that, then I'm sorry, you're still naive and young.

Sighs, I wish things were different, I thought you were different, but I guess I was wrong. I guess when I broke off with my ex, it lead me to think everyone was like her, as to thinking you were like her, but how was I ever so wrong into thinking so.

No matter, I'm happy with my life now. Everything is fine, everything is going well. =)

I guess I'd better stop now before I get all emo again.

Sorry to everyone who's time I wasted on this issue. And thanks to everyone who has helped me out, especially lately with the whole car bang incident and other issues which actually causes me more grief than this one.

I really appreciate it. Hehe. =)



*Since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time.