Caught In The Middle

" If a girl makes you suffer before you're even with her, then she's not the one for you ".

To even think of the fact of being with someone that torments me before I'd even set foot on her heart is just unbearable. Sighs. The wicked and dreadful weeks I've spent since a couple of months ago has truly blinded me and place me in this place covered with the thick fog of misunderstood and unreliable feelings.

How I'd wish I could just get away from the fog and find a place to see the Sun set and rise. I have not been myself lately, although not many of you noticed much changes, but I couldn't care less about what you think anymore. The mind tells me to forget, but the heart tells me to forget about forgetting.

The never-ending journey of love that sets sail upon the river of time to the ocean of endless eternity. Oh, how I'd wish I could embark on its journey with it, but unfortunately, my companion to aid me on this journey is either long gone, or never to be found.

The companionship that some have given me, is priceless but at times, it all seems so predictable. The many faces that appear on my doorstep makes me wonder, who am I to you? That feeling of just wanting to know, and that curiosity of knowing what is unknown and foreign to me.

I look out the window, and I see the chirping sounds of the birds and I hear the buzzing sounds of the bees. It relaxes me for the moment, but when I reflect upon my life, I see nothing but a path that has been smothered with everlasting love on one side, and lies and deception on the other. Which side is this path moving towards now is yet to be known. But I do hope that I won't be caught here, in the mist of things, with my soul tormented by the very person that gives it life, lost in this universe without any navigations, and with my heart lying dead in Davy Jones' Locker.

Sighs, what in the world is wrong with you, Ken? I myself ponder upon this question. Maybe it's the fact that my feelings cannot be let known for I fear that I will lose what I've been trying so hard to find. Or maybe it's the fact that I build this wall around me where nobody can breach through it. Or maybe it's the fact that I've realized that my life's been nothing but just being a mere pillar for people to lean on for the moment, and when that time has gone, the pillar is then forgotten and never to be remembered.

" When you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day, and make it okay, I miss you...".

I hope that my decision now, will make me someone that I hope I will be in time. For I think now, it is time to forget about the things that don't mean much to me. There is no point in hoping or suffering over something that just isn't meant to be. I feel hurt, I really do, for the oblivious surrounding that I seem to be trapped in, suffocates me with the decreasing amount of room to breathe in this little globe.

I may regret over the next stone that I'm about to step on in life, but if it makes me feel any better, and certainly if it doesn't get me into another landslide, I shall make that step, for I feel that moving on and even if it means forgetting, I just have to for I do not want to be a fool nor an idiot anymore. Assume whatever you want about that, but I'm sorry, words cannot describe my apologies but I hope one day, the understanding of this situation will knock on your door and I hope then, you would understand.

If it is not meant for me to fulfill my search for my soulmate, then so be it. I would never want to get myself into a rather frustrating situation anymore, for to love, is to let love find you. One day, I hope that I won't be lost in this. One day, I hope I will find someone who will suffer with me the pain and enjoy with me the happiness and joy that life brings. One day, I hope that I will forget about the "stains on my jacket". One day, I hope that I will forget you. And one day, I hope I won't, I won't be caught in the middle anymore...

"If everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am". ='(